My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
