I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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