at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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