No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize