The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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