Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
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Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
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Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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