Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
