guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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