I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
