take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
