Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
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I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
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Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I would fuck him just for his dog
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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