Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize