I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
