A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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