Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities