the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dating After Heartbreak
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Actions speak louder than pants.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo