How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
