why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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