Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
