its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
