went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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