For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
