I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
