your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
