She said her name was "party"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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