eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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