I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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