i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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