I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
