We are two peas in an std pod
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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