I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
