Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
