Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
