We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
