I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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