i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
