Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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