i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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