I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
two words...techno handjob
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Randomize
