I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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