Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
