There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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