I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
