I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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