six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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