everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
