the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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