I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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