I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
