1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
