Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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