Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
